A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Safety first
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Stop being racist to kettles.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.