A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
A little too much information.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Dead
Alive
Other✔
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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