a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Some people were born into their job.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Warm pools make me nervous.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.