Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.