Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I don’t know what to do
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
jesus christ confetti not now
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.