A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.