A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Left at a local drug store…
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”