[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.