A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
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I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
meow
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?