@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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@SteveSuckington: [at adoption agency] "Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?" *cut to a baby mowing my lawn* "I just love kids"
@wickedsuga: Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid's nose is from allergies or not. His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.
@simoncholland: You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
@UnFitz: Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.