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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
A leaf blower, but for people.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!