A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.