@Nahdude83: A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.
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@Iwriteforcats: [At Fancy Restaurant] Her: I'll have the oxtail topped with quail egg. Him: Gimme a steak. Her: *glares Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
@shutupmikeginn: Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.
@_The_Man__: I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper. You know what paper is? I yell
@AndrewNadeau0: INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job? ME: I was fired for being too literal. I: How have you supported yourself since then? M: Legs.