I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either