A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
❤️🦆
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.