*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.