There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready