I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
A short story of betrayal:
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.