the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*