A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Phones down.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”