A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward