A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
🙄😏😂🤣
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.