A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
never ask a starfish for directions
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
This is a sub tweet
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
synchronized noseblowing
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.