*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me recordaron éste meme
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Get in loser we’re going crying
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO