I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.