was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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