Thrilling chase underway
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?