[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”