Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”