A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
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Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I have a black belt in leather
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.