@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
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@TheRolo: [At a San Francisco Dance Club] *Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt* Hey baby, what's your name? "Robert"
@outrrracheous: Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.
@SteveKoehler22: I needed to get a shipment of almonds to the airport quickly. It was so weird to call Uber and ask if they could drive me nuts.
@TEXASVETERAN: Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I'll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.