@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
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@DumbConfessions: *sees couple holding hands* *violently breaks them apart* "Go. You're free now."
@HallpassCanada: Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.
@shkeeber: Mom: Where're you going? Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends? Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...