A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
is this store having a stroke wtf
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning