I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
You Might Also Like
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose