A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I have a black belt in leather
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
this isn’t threatening at all
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute