A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.