A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.