every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours