A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)