Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders