My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.