A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?