My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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Just me and my debit card against the world
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..