[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Encore…
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
January is lasting longer than my marriage
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!