[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *