I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.