ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.