That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
The 6 types of sex
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.