Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’m just playing devils avocado here
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones