A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.