*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.