PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
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5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’m calling the cops.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My nickname in high school was “who?”
They got Raph!
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?