“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?