A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
me hitting on a model
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
no one likes gloating
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*